I sat down today and was trying to write a timeline. Well, it didn't work that well. You see, when you are actively using, time seems irrelevant and events just kind of blend together. So, I thought what I would do is post different events in my life and explain what my mental state was and the circumstances surrounding those events.
Here we go....
I graduated from Alta High School in 1993. I went directly to Southern Utah University in Cedar City that fall. I was there for two years in school until a life changing event changed things. I was sexually abused at a car wash while washing my car about 7:30 at night. The police acted as if it was no big deal and then began to ask me what I was wearing, how I was acting and really weird questions. They just shrugged it off. So, I finished that quarter and headed back for Salt Lake. I will also mention that I was raised LDS and while in Cedar City I left the church. I left for a lot of reasons, but mostly because in Cedar City there's a lot of time to analyze things, and I finally came to peace with the fact that religion didn't work for me and that I didn't actually believe what I had been brought up to believe. So, here I am back in Salt Lake at mom and dad's. I got a job at JCPenney accounting center in town and began at the University of Utah. As I neared the end of schooling, I found that the U didn't offer some of the classes that I needed at night. I ended up going to University of Phoenix and completing my degree in business. I then began working for IHC at Primary Children's Hospital. I can tell you that was a very difficult job. It's hard to watch kids be ill and some eventually die. I was there only three years, because I couldn't emotionally deal with it anymore. During this time, I moved into a little house on Ramona Ave and that's when my life really began to change. We partied all of the time. I had been smoking cigarettes for a couple of years, but I began to drink every once in a while. Then eventually, people started bringing other things. Marijuana was the first illegal drug I was ever introduced to. I found that I loved being stoned...and began to spend a lot of time doing it. Looking back, I would drink and smoke more when I had a bad day at work. I don't blame my work or anything but me....I made my choices and they were mine alone. I ended up quitting my job during this time and was not actively seeking employment. That was very much a life changing thing. I don't spend my time thinking what if because you just drive yourself crazy doing that, and how is there a positive outcome sitting around asking yourself what if you had made a different choice. I feel that the only positive outcome is in realizing your poor choice and learning from it. Anyway, I ended up being loaded most of the day during that time. I would justify it by telling myself that it was only pot. I wasn't drinking much, so I wasn't an alcoholic so it must be okay.
I will stop there for tonight but not before telling you what it taught me. We can justify the hell out of anything, but it doesn't always make it right. I was being such a victim of everything. I was a "sexual assault" victim and a victim of life. I found that when you take on that victim role, you don't care about what goes on. Being a victim knocks you down so much that you don't feel there is anyway to get up and so you really don't think through what you are doing, you just do it. I will be totally honest and tell you that the time that the drinks and drugs were working, what had happened didn't matter. I could put it away and like myself for a little bit again. It's hard to explain all of the feelings that are associated with it. I don't want anyone to get the impression that I blame ANYONE for my actions. I blame only myself. Again, I made my choices and have realized through all of this that experiences are just that. They can define in a good way or bad way, depending on how you work through them. I hear so many people that use and blame the person that introduced them to the drug. My feeling is that unless they held a gun to your head, then the choice was yours. However, I didn't always feel that way.
More later.....it's bedtime for the kids!! : )) Love to all!
No comments:
Post a Comment